Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

Silly Rabbit March 1, 2008

Filed under: pregnant hopes and dreams — vamplita @ 12:56 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Geez, I’m sooo silly. 

I gave in and did a pregnancy test last night when I got home.  I know, I know, it’s too soon.  Plus. I didn’t even use the best urine sample…you know, the first-thing-in-the-morning sample.  No second line, dammit.  Hardly surprising, eh?  Hubby asked me last night if I knew anything.  I told him nothing other than I’m goofy as all get-out, to think it would be positive using that sample, that soon. 

So, naturally I peed on another stick this morning.  Duh!  Again, no positive result.  Duh!  I’m a (usually) rational person, folks.  Why the hell did I do that??  Why did I blow $15 and ruin two perfectly good pregnancy tests, when I knew damned well that the chances that either one would be positive right now were slim to none??  Arrrgh!

 What is it about the thought that I may (PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE) be pregnant??  What is it about that notion that causes me, a learned person who knows the stats and the science behind these tests, to say to myself, “Hey, go ahead and try it – it’ll be different for you!”  Sigh.  I truly do know better than that.  Truly. 

You know the funniest thing about it?  I knew as soon as I’d peed on Pregnancy Test #1, that I would be peeing on Pregnancy Test #2 this morning.  There was no way in hell that I wouldn’t do it.  Once I’d used the first one last evening with what I know isn’t the best sample, I knew I’d use that second one this following morning.   

Talk about opening Pandora’s Box.  Now, I honestly don’t know if I can wait until the 5th before I take another test …or two …or several.  Heh…I don’t know if F will let me wait without testing again. 

Have I mentioned that we’re broke as hell right now?  We owe the doctor’s office several hundred dollars – about $600, I think.  Hubby hasn’t exactly been able to work as regularly as we’d like for him to work.  The company he drives for hasn’t had many loads going out, and it’s been “catch as catch can” now for the past three months, actually.  Between that, the cost of my graduate classes, and these bloody ultrasounds that cost almost two hundred bucks a whack, we’re feeling a rather severe pinch at this moment. 

Hubby proposed that we skip a month, if there’s (LALALALALA) no pregnancy this month.  I know that financially, that’s probably a brilliant notion.  It would allow us to possibly catch the hell up with our expenses.  And yet… and yet… every cell of my being doesn’t WANT  to do that, and thinks that would be the Worst Idea Ever. 

My soul’s screaming, “Don’t stop now!  Not until I’m pregnant!  Don’t you know that we don’t have much time left???  What the hell’s wrong with you people??”  Small wonder I feel like crying. 

Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Hey, vamplita – don’t stress now, y’hear??