Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

Been in a rather dark place lately December 7, 2008

So y’all have probably surmised by now that I’m not pregnant, otherwise I would’ve been online before now, telling the world of our impending joy. As a matter of fact, my frickin’ period started the day before I was planning to POAS.  I guess my body decided there was no sense in delaying the inevitable.  Awfully kind of it, don’t you think??  Always looking out for me and my best interests…

F and I went to the RE as scheduled, to discuss “our situation”.  We had already missed the window of opportunity for taking fertility meds for that cycle…Dr. S was out of town, and I couldn’t get in to see anyone else. When we spoke to Dr. S, we asked what our options were.  We all decided that it would be best to wait until January until we started taking fertility meds again.  F was interested in seeing if I could try taking Clomid again, instead of jumping right back to the Gonal-F.  Dr. S said that was a possibility, but she wasn’t sure if it would be successful.  We all knew, however, that taking this huge amount of Gonal-F did jack…barely a blip on the follicle radar.  So…that’s when Dr. S said that, “your advanced maternal age is most likely what caused your body to respond so poorly to the fertility meds.  If you had been given those meds just ten years ago, your ovaries would probably have gone into OHSS.  Considering how poorly your ovaries respond to the meds now, you are not a candidate for IVF.  I’m afraid that your only chance of becoming pregnant if the fertility meds with IUIs don’t work within the next six months are to consider egg donation. ” 

And the hits just keep on comin’.

F and I had talked about this months before when we first started going to an RE, and had decided that if we ever needed donor eggs or sperm, we would just pack our things up and go home with our tails between our legs.  Okay, that’s not exactly how the conversation went.  He said something about considering adoption, and I said that we didn’t have the effing money for that, or for IVF, for that matter.   Plus we’re too old for the legitimate adoption agencies.

Suffice it to say:  Ladies and gentlemen, if the old fashioned method or the fertility meds and IUI route don’t get us a real, live, take-home baby, that’s all she wrote.  No kids for vamplita and her darling F.

Okay, I admit it.  I cried on the way home from that lovely appointment.  F, being his usual (useless in the presence of an upset wife) self, didn’t understand why I was so upset.  “We still have a chance, honey.  We can still have a baby.  It’s not over, babe.”  Silver lining boy.  Sheesh.

Meanwhile, I heard that I had probably missed the boat as far as pregnancy was concerned.  If I had only gone to an RE sooner… even a mere couple of years sooner may have been the difference between being a mother and being a… whatever the hell I am.  What a lovely thought process, huh?  Regrets cut you to the bone sometimes. 

When F and I got home, he said that I couldn’t expect to have a child if I kept thinking so negatively.  He said that I couldn’t keep feeling such bitterness when I heard about some cow who had never wanted kids being pregnant, or about some horrid, beastly female who had abused her children being pregnant once again.  I had to let it go. 

He’s probably right, damn his hide.     

I wallowed in self loathing, anger, and guilt for the rest of the night.  The next day, I told F that I would do my best to keep a good attitude for the rest of the time that we tried to have a child.  I would do my best to take care of myself, trying to keep a positive outlook, etc, etc.

See how well I’m doing??  :o/

Hell’s bells!  It’s hard, y’all.  It’s soooo hard to try to keep thinking happy, cheery thoughts when what should’ve been my due date is only two days away.  If things hadn’t gone so badly, I might even be taking care of a newborn right now.  We might be looking forward to our own child’s first Christmas.  If only…if only.   

I’m trying not to let my darker thoughts ruin my favorite time of year, Christmas.  I’m trying to keep plugging forward.  I’ve been checking to see if I’ve ovulated, and I have no idea.  I doubt that I have, which makes things even harder.  F had plans (took time off of work) for us to have sex when I was supposed to ovulate, and of course my stupid, advanced maternal age body didn’t cooperate.  He asks me why I didn’t ovulate, and as usual I have no good answer. 

My body has a will of its own, and apparently it doesn’t want to get pregnant this month.  Let’s hope it doesn’t have anything against having kids altogether, know what I mean??

~~~Change of Subject~~~

In case I don’t get back on anytime soon, I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday season, full of love, laughter, and Light.  This really is a great time to be with family and/or friends, and get back that loving feeling. 

Now, don’t worry…I’m not planning to be gone as long as I was this time.  I’ve just been very busy and rather apathetic.  School will be out in twelve days, and I’ll have a couple of weeks where I don’t need to worry about my master’s courses.  I plan to blog, eat, drink, sleep, play WoW, and use my iPod until my ears fall off!  Oh yeah, maybe I’ll have sex or something too.  It could happen. 

Be well, all!