Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

Guess what bites harder than infertility?? *WARNING – not good news* May 2, 2008

I honestly don’t know what to say.  F and I went to my RE appointment on April 23rd for another ultrasound.  We were expecting to see a heartbeat and hear good news.  We ended up being 1 for 2.  According to Dr. S, the baby only measured at 6w0d, which as you may or may not know, is one week behind where (s)he ought to be at 7weeks, one day.  She did see a faint heartbeat, which she showed us.  But, the fact that the baby only did two days worth of development in eight days is most definitely not a Good Thing.  In fact, it’s pretty effing bad.    

She told us that, given the baby’s slow development, and my – wait for it – advanced maternal age, there was a good chance that I’d miscarry.  I was scheduled to go back the next Wednesday, April 30th, to see what was happening, and, as Dr. S said, “we’d take it from there”.  I was sincerely hoping our little one just wasn’t feeling particularly sociable, and (s)he was just at a weird angle, so the measurements were off.  However, Dr. S couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat on doppler, either.  Sigh. 

Our first OB appointment was scheduled for May 2nd, today.  Depending upon what happened at the next RE appointment, I’d either keep the appointment, or have to cancel it.  I was really, really hoping we didn’t have to cancel. 

I managed to not cry until Dr. S left us while I got dressed.  F and I held each other, while he kept telling me not to give up yet.  “Not yet, honey…there’s still a chance.”

Dr. S told us that there was a good chance that I would miscarry, and it appears that she was right.  I had the followup appointment this past Wednesday, April 30th, and there wasn’t a heartbeat visible or audible this time.  Our dreams of a December baby (or any baby) aren’t meant to be for this year. 

I’ve decided to stop taking my vaginal inserts of progesterone, wait, and let nature take its course, as difficult as that will be.  I don’t prefer it by any means…who could prefer any thing when miscarriage is the subject???  But, I know that would be better on my body than having a D&C.  Still, I’ve also decided to set a time limit on this waiting period, because there comes a point when mental health is at-risk after a while, ya know??  One has to consider the trade-off involved of body health vs. going out of my rabbit-ass mind while waiting being on BloodWatch 2008.  Two weeks sounded appro pos to me, considering how many two-week-waits I’ve had during this journey that is my life as an infertile woman. 

I’ll stop now.  I’m fricking bummed as it is. 



An entirely different kind of Two Week Wait April 9, 2008

Ya know, it came to me just a couple of days ago that I’m in yet another Two Week Wait.  This one, however, is dramatically different.  I’ve reached a stage that I’ve never reached before in our pursuit of a child of our own, and I’m getting to experience new things that have never happened to me before.  It’s weird, though.  I’m thrilled to be pregnant, but I’m concerned about how things will turn out.  I just want everything to be okay, and for my baby(!!?!) to be delivered in December, perfectly normal and disgustingly healthy. 

My next appointment with Dr. S (the RE with the mostest) is on April 15th, my darling hubby’s birthday.  All I know is that I’m to have an ultrasound and bloodwork.  I’ll be exactly six weeks pregnant that day, and all I really, really want to see is that there is a child in my uterus.  God, please let there be an embryo in the place where it’s supposed to be, safely housed within my uterus of “advanced maternal age”. 

Hey, I totally get that doctors have to cover their asses and make damned sure that their patients understand the odds.  They want to make sure that if there were things to (God forbid!!!) go wrong, the patient was informed that (God forbid!!!) Bad Things do happen.  I really do understand.  But after all of the heartbreak that F and I have experienced while trying to get me pregnant ever since 2000, after all of the tears I’ve cried, wondering when it was going to be my turn (or if it were ever going to be my turn!), I’m feeling that whole “it’s your time” thing.  I can’t exactly explain it, but I have this bizarre sense of this being the Real Deal.

If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.  But so far, I’m trying to enjoy the hell out of this feeling.  Partying and drinking all night… not really.  I’m not really even minding the bloated belly I have so far.  I get a kick out of the frequent bathroom urges so far.  All of the things I’m experiencing so far have been wonderful reminders that I’m pregnant.  Mind you, no morning sickness as of yet, so let’s see just how chipper vamplita is after the barfing episodes.  Heh.  But, I will say that my mom never had morning sickness with me, her first child.  That would be nice, but in a sick, twisted way, the morning sickness would also be a begrudgingly welcome thing too.  It would certainly be a daily affirmation of my current condition, no? 

I’d really like to see a tiny, beating heartlike structure within my uterus this next Tuesday.  If that’s not too much to ask, I’d be really appreciative.  Now, I know that I may not see that.  It may not be possible at this stage of development to see such a fantastic sight.  Still, it would be cool!  But, like I said, the most important thing is making sure all is well.  It’s just got to be.