Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

IUI #3 in mere hours October 29, 2008

I’ve been informed that IUI #3 is scheduled for tomorrow morning, at 10AM.  I have to say that I’m rather excited about this time around.  It’s almost the same way I felt when we did the first IUI.  I’m eager to get it done, partially because I am sick of injecting the oh-so-pricey Gonal-F.  I did my last injection of it last night for this cycle, thank the good Lord.  I’m also eager because I have a good feeling about this time around.  I’ve got a good feeling about this IUI, partly because I now know for a fact that I can get pregnant this way.  I know it works. 

I’m also nervous about the IUI because, once again, in spite of our best efforts, I’ve only managed to produce one follicle that looks to be a decent size.  The follie we’re placing this month’s hopes on was an acceptable 17mm in size on Monday’s scan.  I may as well have taken a smaller dose, since I got the same results on the smaller dose too.  Damnation.  Why, oh why, couldn’t I respond to fertility meds like normal ladies would??  Any other person who took that much of Gonal-F would have had enough viable follies to start her own football basketball team, for Pete’s sake.  Sigh.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful that I don’t have OHSS or anything of the sort.  But… why not more than one follicle?  Just once?  Still, I did get pregnant last time with just one follicle, didn’t I?  It could happen!      

Please, y’all keep your fingers crossed that this IUI works, and that we get a real, live, healthy take-home baby.  I know all the statistics.  I know they’re certainly not as in my favor as they would be if I were five (or ten years!) younger.  Still, we could be that couple who succeeds, right? 

I don’t even want to think about what we’d do (or not do) if this doesn’t work this time around.  I know it’s ridiculous not to think about it, but it’s not like I don’t know what could happen.  It’s not like I haven’t been there, done that.  La, la, la!  I’m not listening!

I was thinking about it, and if I do get pregnant this time around, the baby’s due date will be around August 1st.  Not exactly ideal, from a teaching perspective or a weather perspective, but don’t think I wouldn’t take it in a nanosecond!  I can handle a third trimester in the sweltering heat and humidity of July and August in Texas, ’cause I know what the (likely?) outcome would be.  Hell, if someone could guarantee that it would work, I’d do it standing on my frickin’ head, thankyouverymuch. 

Anyway… I worked at the Fall Festival here at our school last weekend, to earn some of those much-needed internship hours I require to satisfy the 140 hours required for my Masters degree in Educational Administration, and to qualify to take the test to become an administrator.  I do enjoy teaching, but I certainly don’t see myself in the classroom until can I retire in about 900 years.  I believe I will be a good admin, but that test we have to take to get the certification is nasty, y’all.  Ugg-gah-lee.  I generally don’t do much (read any) studying for a test like that, because there’s really no way to prepare.  However, this time, I at least need to see a practice test, to see what it’s going to be like.  There’s just. so. much. material.  It’s mindboggling how much crap they expect us to know and remember.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this certification exam has me concerned, even thought the test isn’t until next Spring or early Summer. 

What can I say?  I worry, therefore I am. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, please.  Ten years of trying is long enough.  Really and truly.     

XOXO

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That’s right – I’m a slacker June 19, 2008

Hey all,

Thanks very much for all of you who have wandered onto this blog courtesy of NCLM.  I honestly had the best of intentions when I signed onto that challenge, and promptly buggered it all to hell and gone.  It’s not like I intended to be a person who purposely broke her pledge to visit lots and lots of sites, and comment on every one of them.  Honest, that wasn’t my intention. 

Like a goober, I foolishly thought that I’d manage to bounce back and be my usual pithy self while NCLM was clicking along.  Somehow, that really didn’t happen.  In a way, I’m kind of glad I didn’t jump right back into doing all of the things I’d normally do, because it shows me that I am human after all.  Who knew?

Physically, I seem to be just as healthy as I was before the miscarriage, albeit heavier, what with massive quantities of comfort food and all.  Mentally, I’m less stressed, now that summer break is here where I teach.  Emotionally…I give myself a B-. 

I do fine, as long as I don’t hear an infant crying…or don’t see an infant crying…or don’t see a little one doing something cute or adorable.  Occasionally, my heart breaks all over again when I see something or hear something, or think of something that reminds me that I ought to be in my second trimester now, with a child due in December.  Once in a while, something will trigger a response in me where I again realize that The Baby That Was will never experience certain things that I so wanted him or her to experience, or, that I will never get to witness him/her experiencing said certain things. 

The fantastic mail I keep getting, with the lovely ads and cutesy baby mags are a not-so-pleasant experience, but I now take it in stride.  I have a cabinet where I keep these things, just in case I ever do have a real, live, take-home baby.  After all, lots of supposed experts about my frickin’ life, ignorant assholes people have told me that it could still happen, especially since I did manage to get pregnant this last time.  I could “just get pregnant again”.  Easy peasy, doncha know. 

Oh yeah.  I’m waiting again.  This time, I’m waiting for my body to figure out that it’s okay to reboot and start my periods over again.  The miscarriage happened the week following Mother’s Day, back in May.  Still no sign of Our Least Favorite Aunt.  Actually though, I wish she’d bloody well (pardon the pun) show, already, so that we can get things back on track. 

F and I do want to try again, and as we all know…this ol’ gal ain’t gettin’ any younger.  So while we’re waiting for my body to catch its snap, I wait.  I plan to call my RE’s office tomorrow, to find out what my beta level was when I had it drawn back on June 9th.  Maybe that will help jog my ute’s memory…

“Oh yeah…vamplita needs me to start bleeding again…perhaps it’s time, before her last eggs wither away to nothing…” 

I hope this post leaves y’all with a sense that I’m on the mend, ’cause I am.  I do feel okay, and I know that it really, honestly could happen again.  I really could get pregnant again.  It doesn’t necessarily have to take another eight years. 

Right??

 

An entirely different kind of Two Week Wait April 9, 2008

Ya know, it came to me just a couple of days ago that I’m in yet another Two Week Wait.  This one, however, is dramatically different.  I’ve reached a stage that I’ve never reached before in our pursuit of a child of our own, and I’m getting to experience new things that have never happened to me before.  It’s weird, though.  I’m thrilled to be pregnant, but I’m concerned about how things will turn out.  I just want everything to be okay, and for my baby(!!?!) to be delivered in December, perfectly normal and disgustingly healthy. 

My next appointment with Dr. S (the RE with the mostest) is on April 15th, my darling hubby’s birthday.  All I know is that I’m to have an ultrasound and bloodwork.  I’ll be exactly six weeks pregnant that day, and all I really, really want to see is that there is a child in my uterus.  God, please let there be an embryo in the place where it’s supposed to be, safely housed within my uterus of “advanced maternal age”. 

Hey, I totally get that doctors have to cover their asses and make damned sure that their patients understand the odds.  They want to make sure that if there were things to (God forbid!!!) go wrong, the patient was informed that (God forbid!!!) Bad Things do happen.  I really do understand.  But after all of the heartbreak that F and I have experienced while trying to get me pregnant ever since 2000, after all of the tears I’ve cried, wondering when it was going to be my turn (or if it were ever going to be my turn!), I’m feeling that whole “it’s your time” thing.  I can’t exactly explain it, but I have this bizarre sense of this being the Real Deal.

If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.  But so far, I’m trying to enjoy the hell out of this feeling.  Partying and drinking all night… not really.  I’m not really even minding the bloated belly I have so far.  I get a kick out of the frequent bathroom urges so far.  All of the things I’m experiencing so far have been wonderful reminders that I’m pregnant.  Mind you, no morning sickness as of yet, so let’s see just how chipper vamplita is after the barfing episodes.  Heh.  But, I will say that my mom never had morning sickness with me, her first child.  That would be nice, but in a sick, twisted way, the morning sickness would also be a begrudgingly welcome thing too.  It would certainly be a daily affirmation of my current condition, no? 

I’d really like to see a tiny, beating heartlike structure within my uterus this next Tuesday.  If that’s not too much to ask, I’d be really appreciative.  Now, I know that I may not see that.  It may not be possible at this stage of development to see such a fantastic sight.  Still, it would be cool!  But, like I said, the most important thing is making sure all is well.  It’s just got to be.        

 

Very Happy to Report April 3, 2008

My 1st hCG quantity was 81, which is right where it needed to be.  The second one, however, simply blew me away.  All this morning on the way to the lab to get the bloodwork, I kept talking to my baby(!!?!), telling it that I wanted a high number, at least double of the original amount. 

Apparently, the baby’s an overachiever like its mama.  When the nurse called with the results, they were a very impressive 204.  I had to wipe the tears from my eyes, I was so happy to hear that!  Passed with flying colors!  I can hardly wait until school’s out, so I can tell my baby how proud I am of it breezing by the first of many tests it has to ace throughout its life.

 F and I still haven’t really fully grasped the fact that we’re going to be parents.  My brain keeps repeating over and over that I’m pregnant, and I’m hoping that the message starts to trickle into my psyche soon.  I think the process has begun. 

It’s funny, but I already think of the baby as a she.  I’ll tell you why, and you may take it as you will.  My sister and I seem to have the occasional psychic vibe about things.  Months ago, she not only dreamed about me (finally) getting pregnant, but she also dreamed that I had a little girl.  She’s correctly predicted the sex of four babies in our family, again months before they were born. 

I had a very, very vivid dream the morning of April Fool’s Day.  I dreamed that I was pregnant.  That’s why I was the tiniest bit surprised when I got the BFN that morning.  The dream was the kind of dream I get when it’s a kind of psychic/predictive dream, which meant that I remembered a heck of a lot more of it than I usually do.  Most dreams I have I promptly forget, but those kinds of dreams I tend to recall later, when the events occur.  Strange I know, but it’s true.             

 

Ahem… April 1, 2008

Filed under: pregnancy rules!,pregnant hopes and dreams — vamplita @ 11:09 pm
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Woke up this morning and did my usual pee-on-a-stick routine.  Same result as before – big, fat negative.  About two hours before I saw my RE, I gave in to my urge and did it again this afternoon, on one of my more expensive tests.  positivepositivepositivepositive!!! 

 Now, mind you, it was super-duper faint, but it was there!  I ran to get my camera phone, and took the pic.  I tried in my freaked-out state to send the pic to my sister for verification, and of course, the phone wouldn’t forward it.  So, I gscrambled madly about my not-so-tidy house, got my digital camera and took some pics.  They weren’t quality pics, by any means…hell, my hands were shaking so badly, I couldn’t keep the image I wanted in the viewfinder.  I forwarded those grainy, dark photos to my sister, and she said she could see it too.  🙂 

I then decided to use the last of my pricier tests about 25 minutes later, with a different urine sample.  Again, a faint, faint line.  I still can’t believe it.

I went to the RE, and during our appointment, I showed her the pic from my camera phone.  She said, “Yep, it’s a positive.”  She and I both marveled at the fact that it happened with only one mature follicle.  And, as she says, at my age.  It’s not like the odds were greatly in our favor.  

I still had the bloodwork done, for a starting beta, and I’m to go back this Friday, for my 2nd beta.  Then, on April 15th, I’m to go for an ultrasound.  God, I’m jazzed!  My RE estimates that the EDD is December 9th.  Unbefrickinglieveable. 

I couldn’t tell F on the phone, so I waited until I got home with dinner.  I’d bought a bottle at the pharmacy downstairs from the RE’s office, and while F was getting plates, I set the bottle on the table where he was going to sit.  (I’d actually had the presence of mind to charge up the video camera while I was at the RE’s office, so I was ready.) 

He’s very, very happy, but surprised that we found out this soon.  I get the official results tomorrow, and I can hardly wait!  I’ll be sure to call him tomorrow as soon as I know the results. 

We told my parents, his parents, my sister, and a close cousin of mine, all who knew that we were trying to conceive.  The general concensus was that it was the best news they’d heard in a long time.  I tend to agree. 

 Please, please keep your fingers crossed that all is well, beta-wise.  We need this embryo to stick, grow, be healthy, and stay put for at least 250 days! 

More later – I’m heading to bed. 

     

 

Dollar Tree’s My Enabler March 28, 2008

So not only have I given in to my need obsession to POAS ever since about 6dpiui, but I’ve found a new supplier to provide them to me at a much reduced rate of…you guessed it – a dollar.  DollarTree HPTs rock if you’re trying to placate that urge to mark your territory and feel like you’re doing something semi-useful during the TWW.  It helps me satisfy my serious desire to see something, anything, while remaining much more affordable than if I were using the ones I’ve used in the past.  Yes, I’m still getting BFNs – duh! 

I’m now 10dpiui, and did my daily POAS episode on el cheapo $Tree HPT.  It’s a BFN again today.  Sigh.  Still, as long as AF doesn’t show, I’m a happy camper.  I can still hope. 

I really do know that it would’ve been highly unusual for me to see anything remotely positive before this.  Still, there’s a touch of the windmill-tilting insane optimist within the confines of my person.  Who knew??  I keep imagining that I’ll be one of those oh-so-fortunate ladies who POAS after only 8- or 9dpo and get that beloved BFP.  After all, I stand just as good a chance as any other PCOS-ridden 40-year-old, right?       

** ALERT:  mention of potentially uncomfortable subject to follow. Scoot down to the ~Change of subject~, if you desire. 

Sigh.  It’s days like today that make me really wish I didn’t work in high school.  As I was walking through the hall towards the teacher’s lounge, I happened to overhear a couple of 16-year-old girls talking.  I wish to hell I hadn’t.    One of them was telling the other one, “Man, if my mom finds out that I’m pregnant, she’ll kill me.  I going to get rid of it this weekend.  I don’t want it, anyways.” 

I have to say that I died a little inside upon hearing her annoyed comment, and not being able to spill my guts to her, about how the “thing” she wants to dispose of as if it meant nothing would mean everything to someone in my shoes.  Someone who has been trying to be blessed with her problem for nearly eight years now.  It was all I could do to not yell at her, and tell her how many couples I know of (mostly from the internet, mind you) who would love to be “burdened” with her condition, no matter how inconvenient it is.  soooo wanted to tell her of the thousands of dollars, countless hours of pure angst and devastating heartbreak that many, many people subject themselves to, all in the interest of becoming laden with the similar circumstances as she…only to never attain that lofty goal.  Or, worse yet, have nature perform a similar procedure as what this young woman was choosing to do to her own offspring.  Okay, it’s similar, as in the outcome’s the same…a precious life taken before it’s time.  But, I had to remain mute, and continue to walk away…tears blurring my vision.  Like I said, today wasn’t the best day to be a teacher of teenagers.  Ready to peruse something a little less vitriolic, yet??

~~Change of Subject~~

My follow-up appointment is this next Tuesday, April 1st.  It would be really ironic and hilarious if I got to tell F he’s going to be a daddy on April Fool’s Day.  He wouldn’t believe me this time either, I bet.  Heh. 

Back on that same day in 2005, I managed to fall while walking across the street in San Antonio.  I was in that beautiful city because I was attending an TESOL Conference.  I broke my left elbow, sprained my right arm, right elbow, and both wrists.  I know – graceful, huh?  Anyway, after going to the emergency room, and walking out with both arms in slings, I called my clueless husband to tell him, and so that we could figure out how I was going to get me, my stuff, and my manual transmission car back home ASAP. 

I’ve always been known for my Bad Timing, and this was no exception.  I called my husband right after his sister and niece had pulled a nasty April Fool’s joke on him.  I mean, he’d literally just hung up the phone with them, and was still fuming about it. 

So, here’s how that particular conversation went, with the names altered just a wee bit “to protect the innocent”:    

Me:  F?  Honey?  I have some bad news.  I was in an accident.

F:  What??  Are you okay? 

Me:  Uh, no.  I fell and broke both of my elbows. 

F:  Yeah, April Fool’s – I get it.  You’re not funny, you know.

Me:  No, I’m serious.  I really did do it, crossing the street.  I’m sitting here now, at the WalMart Pharmacy, waiting for my pain pills. 

F:  Seriously, vamplita, it’s not funny.  I’m not buying it, so knock it off, already. 

Me:  I know it’s not funny, F.  I wouldn’t kid about this.  I’m serious as a heart attack.  I need you to come get me. 

F:  That’s not funny, damn it!  vamplita, you’d better not be screwing with me.  If I find out you’re lying to me, I swear, I’ll break your arms myself. 

He then proceeded to tell me of how our niece had called him, pretending to be pregnant, and that his sister confirmed what our niece had told him.  They had him completely convinced that it was true, and after about 25 minutes of him trying to console his supposedly-distraught sister, they finally told him it was a joke.  As soon as he got off that call, more than a little pissed about his own family being so cruel to him, I called with this news.  Small wonder he thought I was trying to pull his leg again.

So, it would be more than amusing for me to try to break the news of a pregnancy to him on that day, of all days.  God, I hope I get to!!      

  

 

Crossing all crossables March 17, 2008

F and I go in for our second go-round with IUI tomorrow morning.  I’m sincerely hoping that we have some baby action this time!  Please, if any of you are in good with the Man Upstairs, please send Him a tiny missive regarding vamplita and family.  Or, at least send a few get-a-swimmer-to-fertilize-the-egg vibes our way, will you? 

F and I would appreciate any help we can get.  God knows I’ll be a nightmare to live with for the TWW.  Last time around, I kept experiencing phantom symptoms.  I’m sure almost everyone has those.  At least I’ll be keeping busy with grad school, thank goodness. 

Still, my mind flashes forward to possibilities.  During that ever-lovin’ Two Week Wait, I find myself looking at stuff like pregnancy announcements, diaper bags, and reading as many TTC success stories as I can possibly get my mouse to click upon.  I tell myself that I do it for inspiration, and I honestly think that’s why I do it.  I want those positive vibes to help if it’s at all possible, ya know? 

I’m the kind of person that casinos love to have as a patron!  The answer to “Why?” should be obvious, I’d imagine.  Because Hope Springs Eternal within this breast, ladies and germs.  I’m an optimist when it comes to games of chance like slot machines, thinking that if I keep sitting at the machine in front of me, it will eventually pay off.  After a while, I start thinking, “hey, this thing is bound to hit pretty soon.  I know it’s got at least (enter ridiculous amount) of my money already, plus the cash the previous soul plunked into here right before I sat here.  If it’s going to hit…why not for me?  I stand just as good a chance of winning as anyone else, don’t I??  After all, I’m due to win big, aren’t I?  It’s gotta be my turn by now, right??”  So, fast forward and see vamplita deposit her last money into same promising machine, still thinking that it could happen.  Kind of a Pollyanna-ish sort of way to gamble, no?? 

Still, following in that same sort of logic chain, I could get pregnant this time, right??  All it really takes is one single swimmer to meet my one luscious egg, right??  Hey, I know my biology; I know that’s a fact!  Besides, women get pregnant all the bloody time without trying, so sooner or later it’s bound to happen for me, right?? Because after all, I’m actually trying to get pregnant!  If I keep at this reproduction thing, it’s bound to pay off for me, right??  I’ve heard the stories… I’ve seen the women up at my RE’s office who have had success at this, and they’re not that different than me.  Okay, maybe some of them are thinner, and some of them are younger, but I’ve seen ladies up there that look about the same age and shape as I am.  Surely it’ll happen for me! 

Guess we’ll find out if I win this time, huh?  :oÞ