Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

Apologies and Ramblings July 8, 2008

Geez, I’m sorry I’m not an everyday blogger.  Matter of fact, I haven’t even been a weekly one, or even biweekly.  My apologies, folks.  I’ll try to do better, ‘k?  I really will try.

The good news is that I finally had my period again after my miscarriage.  Yay.  It wasn’t as bad as I imagined it would be, which makes me happy. 

F and I are both eager to get back on the ol’ baby-making horse, but are going to wait to use medical intervention until my next period…dammit.  Two Three reasons, actually, but they’re definitely related.  The first reason:  money.  Yes, I know, we still have some of the meds from before I got pregnant, and that’s beyond wonderful, trust me.  However, Dr. S and I decided that my ovaries could stand some more stimulation, in the form of a larger dose of said meds.  Good news?  I have most of the meds already.  Bad news?   I don’t have the remainder of the Gonal-F I’d need to have on hand to complete the med cycle, nor do we have the available fundage for said injectible platinum.  (Okay, it’s not really platinum, but you get the gist.) 

Second reason, and the main cause of Reason #1?  F was sick, and didn’t get to work for 2+ weeks.  It’s getting to be like our frickin’ summer thing…I get out of school, start making plans to go places, do things, and then F gets sick for at least two weeks, and All Things come to a halt.  Y’see, F drives a truck for a living these days, and when F doesn’t drive, he doesn’t get paid.  Now, he and I aren’t the best at saving money, by a long shot.  I’d much rather have someone else cook than for me to do it, hands down.  That’s (sadly) our main source of wasted money, to my way of thinking – eating out / take out.  But, we have wayyyyy too much debt, and buggered credit, to say the least.  During those weeks when F doesn’t work, the bills still seem to keep coming, damn them. 

We try to survive on just my meager teacher paycheck.  That in itself is trying, but add in several visits to doctors, several trips to the pharmacy to get meds, and the usual grocery extravaganzas, and you can practically hear the sucking sound as the money leaves our puny checking account.  Now, of course – when we’re broker than broke – would be when I start my period, and when I’d need to go and purchase about $500 worth of Gonal-F, if F and I were going to try to Create a Life Through Modern Chemistry.  Ummm, not going to happen this month.  It simply can’t.  Dammit. 

Reason #3, you may be asking?  Well, F had a weird spot showing up in his chest xray, and after an inconclusive MRI, and had to take some radioactive sugar to try to see what was going on in his body.  He was supposed to get a PET scan, and the contrast stuff contained radioactive sugar (iodine, I think).  Pity he was too claustrophobic to go through with it, poor thing.  Exposure to radioactive stuff, all for naught.  He had to go get a broncioscopy procedure instead. 

I thank God that the doc didn’t see anything out of the ordinary during the bronchioscopy, but there is still something weird that shows up on his chest xray.  I don’t know, and neither do the docs, but they say it is NOT cancer.  At least this has (hopefully) convinced F that he needsneedsneeds to STOP SMOKING!!!  The doctor told him that there’s no permanent damage in his lungs right now, and that if he quits, they will stay healthy.  F says he’s cutting down, but I can’t tell that he has.  I just continue to hope and pray he quits.  God Almighty, I’m sick of everything we own reeking of it, plus all of the money that literally goes up in ashes.  When I think if it, it makes me ill.  I know, make everything be about myself.  I am truly a drama queen.  Sheesh. 

Still, I wonder sorts of effects the radioactive solution he drank had on his swimmers.  I need to ask about that when he goes to the doc this Wednesday.  I don’t want us to be trying the old fashioned way if there’s any danger that his guys could have been affected by the radiation, ya know?  I know that the doc said that the radioactivity only lasted about 24 hours tops, but still.  It’s not like it only stayed in his chest area, if you know what I mean.  We don’t need the added stress of worrying whether or not this batch of swimmers glow in the dark.  Suffice it to say that I’ll feel much better about trying naturally if there’s a reduced chance of mutation as a result of radiation.   

The doctor did say that F suffers from a severe B12 deficiency.  He’s now going in weekly for a B12 injection, but after this Wednesday, I’ll be giving the shots to him.  That ought to help save us a bit of cash – I hope. 

I often think about my former pregnancy, and in which week or month I’d be if I still were expecting.  Still, when F and I had this scare, it made me think that things do happen for a reason, even if we don’t see the reasoning at the time.  I can’t imagine how we would’ve handled this financially if I’d been pregnant too.  Am I a monster for thinking this way??  God knows, I would love to still be pregnant!  Could I have handled the stress without inflicting damage upon those I love??  Without that Xanax I took that Friday night to help me sleep during the weekend four or five days before he had his PET scan scheduled? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m made of pretty strong stock.  I can usually handle almost anything.  Usually.  But, when it comes to my family, I worry myself into a non-sleeping tizzy, to say the least.  I would lie in bed, cry to myself, and worry.  No fun at all, kids.  I sincerely don’t recommend this.  I mentioned to my mom that I hadn’t slept, and she gave me a couple of her Xanax “to help me get some sleep”.  I’m not the kind of person that usually pops pills to turn my brain off, but in this case, when it was staying on a spin cycle of nasty, ugly thoughts every night when I was supposed to be sleeping??  Hell yeah, I’ll take something.  If that makes me a wimp, so be it… but it did help, if only for that night.


9 Responses to “Apologies and Ramblings”

  1. geohde Says:

    Welcome back Mz Vamplita.

    You sure have been busy what with the Mystery Spot, Liquid Radiation and Revenge of the Period.

    Good luck with the Injectible Platinum budget 😉


  2. topcat Says:

    Vamplita! When you update, you really update!! Cancer scare and all!

    I ran to the cupboard to see if I have any Gonal F left, but I don’t. I wish I did!! I wish it wasn’t so bloody expensive for you.

    My assvice on the swimmer situation …. get Mr Vamp (F) to errrr, take matters into his own hands, so to speak. If you catch my drift. Get him to do it a few times, just to be sure. Then he’ll be right as rain, with the cleanest swimmers in town!

    Xanax …. mate, go for it. Sounds like you needed to take some of the edge off!! I hope you are able to have a nice time on your summer break.


  3. carole Says:

    hey, V, glad you’re back, and sorry to hear about the turmoil. several years ago i scrambled to find someone who wanted my extra gonal-f pen; were those days today, i would send it your way, directly. we’ll be rooting for you to find your own stims-angel, in whatever form (cash, fluid, or platinum). –c.

  4. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    Wow, sounds like you’ve been more than just a little busy. I hope F will be feeling well soon. Sorry to hear about the delay in chemical baby making, but you’re right, there must be a reason to all of this, even though it may be hard to see. I’ve really tried to tell myself that lately. Stay positive. 😉

  5. kimbosue Says:

    Glad you’re back! Here’s to a rest cycle – albeit a not needed one… Have the lung thing checked again. My neighbor had something similar – turns out it was an inflammation of a bronchiole – apparently hereditary and has had her entire life! some people have them and never know about them! They went in between her ribs and had to surgically remove it.

  6. porridge measurer Says:

    Hi Vamplita thanks for posting on my blog. Topcat has introduced me to a whole new world of infertility blogs since starting her blog and I find myself lost for hours in them. It really has opened my eyes to just how hard getting (and staying) pregnant can be and I admire you and all your fellow blog sisters for being so strong throughout your painful journeys.

  7. Brandygirl Says:

    Me too, I would love to be pg someday.

    I cry myself to sleep and worry my head off. Lately, I’m just yodelling… yes, yodelling for a BFP and for AF to go away. If you visit my blog, you’ll know why I’m yodelling.

    I’ll yodel for you too – for a BFP to come your way or a resolution someday. (((((hugs)))))

  8. hope2morrow Says:

    Thank you for your support and comments on my blog. We will all pull through, one way or another. But with all this infertility stuff comes emotions I never thought I would feel- about myself, about life, about God. Wow! And you must be feeling the same with everything else happening in your life!

    Take care, dear! And thank you again for your prayers!

  9. lifeslurper Says:

    So sorry to hear of your loss, but congratulations on getting back on the ole merry-go-round. I hope a natural cycle (what as opposed to the ‘unnatural’ ART cycle???) works for you! As a chronic childhood asthmatic, please remind F that smokes and babies just don’t mix! Best wishes!

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