Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

And So It Goes… May 16, 2008

The weekend was bearable.  I appear to have survived intact.  F and I didn’t win a darned thing, but that wasn’t exactly the point of going.  It was for “west and wee-waxation”, as Mr. Fudd would say.   

I’m so proud to have married my darling husband.  He did the perfect thing, as far as I was concerned.  He didn’t try to ignore the elephant in the room, as some would do.  Nor did he make a huge deal out of it, which would have made me even more uncomfortable and miserable than I already was.  He simply gave me a Mother’s Day card that stated that he was glad he’d married me.  God, I needed that.  I couldn’t help but cry, but it wasn’t a miserable sort of cry, really.  It was more of a bittersweet kind of emotion.  He told me he’d bought it a long time ago.  I really, really appreciate what F did.  Even recalling it now, it brings tears to my eyes. 

We came home late Sunday night, and Monday I really felt out of sorts, so I didn’t go to work.  I thought it might’ve been bad food or something, but I wasn’t sure.  I’d also starting seeing traces of pink when I went to the restroom, so I had my suspicions in that direction too. 

Sure enough, I was right.  Late that afternoon, I took a shower, and while I was towelling off, I noticed blood on the towel.  Even though I knew it was coming, it still took my breath away.  I tightly gripped the blood-stained part of the towel in my fist, sat down on the commode, and sobbed.  I was still like that when F got home later – stark naked and wailing on the toilet, towel clutched in my folded hands.  Poor man – he doesn’t handle me crying and being upset very well at all.

I took Tuesday off too, partly because I was a basket case, and partly because of the lovely cramping.  It’s weird, too.  It hurts more to lay down; the cramping’s worse then.  It started in earnest about 2:30AM Tuesday morning, bad enough to wake me up, and I usually sleep like the dead.  I will say that the cramping hasn’t been as bad since then. 

I’ve been snuggling up with a heating pad at night, which seems to alleviate most of the discomfort.  It also makes me the most popular sleeping companion, as far as our beagle’s concerned.  I’ve been waking up with a beagle attachment for the past couple of mornings, with a heating pad between us.  One can’t help but smile when you see how she’s allllll stretched out, right next to me.  It’s pretty cute.  🙂

My RE told me to give her office a call when I had had the miscarriage.  I think I’ll probably give her office a ring this next Monday.  I’ve read several ladies’ accounts of their miscarriages, and, of course, I don’t know if the worst is yet to come, or if this is it, or what.  Considering the baby’s heart stopped sometime during the seventh week, and that this would have been my (sigh) 10th week if I were still pregnant, it’s possible that my body could have started to reabsorb things in the womb.  I may not (TMI alert!) see a recognizable placenta, or anything definitive.  I imagine I’ll probably keep bleeding for at least another week, though again, I could be wrong.  I have no idea. 

These days, my body is and is not my own, if you get my drift.                  


34 Responses to “And So It Goes…”

  1. carole Says:

    as sad as i am that you have lost little lollipop, i am glad your body is helping you with a ‘natural’ miscarriage. when i lost a baby at 9 weeks i ended up needing a d&c.

    and here’s tmi back ‘atcha, i guess: with all of my first term miscarriages i always felt like i *wanted* to see more — and so i checked everything that came out oh-so-carefully. i still don’t know what i would have done had i seen more than unrecognizable clumps of bloody tissue. but i didn’t. so…i guess what i’m saying is this: no matter what you see, i hope it’s what you want to see. all things considered, that is.

    hope the cramps ease soon.

  2. geohde Says:

    Vamplita, I’m sorry that you have to have this experience, really sorry.

    FWIW I’ve done naked loo sobs and naked shower sobs, and the shower is warmer (although you do end up kind of wrinkly)


  3. I completely understand. When I m/c I had had a D & C, but the feelings that came after were just so overwhelming. Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of HUGS your way!

  4. kimbosue Says:

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope the cramps end soon. We are still here for you…

  5. Tanya Says:

    I’m so sorry… hope you feel better soon.

  6. Cibele Says:

    I so sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me cry. It brought back sad memories when I lost my baby… I know how much it hurts my dear. HUGS! I am glad that you have a great husband to be there for you.

  7. bri Says:

    Stranger here from NaComLeavMo and sending strength and love. I have been there. I am so sorry.

  8. wishing4one Says:

    Just found you today. I am SO SORRY for you’re loss. Sending you virtual hugs and good thoughts….

  9. trampoline Says:

    trampoline says : I absolutely agree with this !

  10. Kim Says:

    so sorry, I know there is not much else I can say…

  11. I am so very sorry. I have been there twice and would never wish it on anyone else.

  12. Pam/Wordgirl Says:

    I’m here through NaComLeavMo.

    I’m so sorry this happened. I’m just a stranger stumbling upon your blog, but in this moment I am thinking of you and hoping you are finding solace.


  13. A Says:

    Visiting from NCLM.

    So sad for your loss and that you have to go through this. It isnt fair, and it just sucks. I’m sorry.

  14. Kim Says:

    Stumbled onto your blog from NCLM, and oh honey, I am so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes, just 4 months ago. The best advice I was given, I’ll pass on: be kind to yourself.

  15. Duck Says:


    i hope your doing okay, I noticed you haven’t posted in a few weeks, i hope everything is alright and that you are finding some comfort in taking a break from blogging.

  16. paranoid Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  17. shawna Says:


    This is so terrible that there really aren’t any words. I hope that in time things will get better, maybe they will not be right but better.

  18. Pepper Says:

    I happened across your blog from NCLM and wanted to send my deepest, sincerest condolences. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Wishing you healing and peace.

  19. Jendeis Says:

    Here from NaComLeavMo. I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. It just stinks. Your husband sounds like he’s trying to take good care of you. Remember though, that you need to take care of yourself too. Hoping things get better from here.

  20. joyco Says:

    😦 sucky. I’m so sorry. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, the 1st being a missed m/c, the 2nd sounds more like what you went through. I just bled and then was done. Everyone acted like it had never happened. Ugh.

    take care sweetie. I hope things are not so grim these days.

    (from NCLM)

  21. panamahat Says:

    I am so very sorry. Just found you through NCLM and sad to see your world is not as it should be right now. I have been to miscarriage land, and it sucks. Having said that, everyone has a different experience and so I can never hope to fully understand what you are going through. Please accept my sincere condolences.

  22. Alicia Says:

    here from NaComLeavMo.

    So sorry this has happened to you, your DH sounds wonderful! Thoughts are with you.


  23. Kim Says:

    Hope you are doing okay… NCLM

  24. M Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with Carole in that I am glad you were able to have a “natural” miscarriage. With mine in January, blighted ovum, I needed a d&c at 10 weeks, as my body showed no signs of doig it on my own.

    I hope you are healing, emotionally and physically. Sending you virtual hugs as you go through this terrible time.


  25. Chris Says:

    I hope that you are starting to feel a little better by now. I know that it does take time. I miscarried and had a D&C just days before Mother’s Day last year so I really know how hard it is. As cliche as it sounds, time really does begin to heal the wounds. And so do crying and screaming. All my best to you.


  26. Mary Says:


    My heart and prayers go out to you.

  27. Busted Says:

    I’m so, so sorry. What a wonderful husband you have to acknowledge and appreciate you on an otherwise unhappy day.

    (via NCLM)

  28. DC Says:

    I hope you’re doing OK. Please check in soon.

  29. babyamore Says:

    I’m here from NaComLeavCom
    I am so sorry for the loss of your little baby. A miscarriage of any sort is terrible to go through. Waiting it out must have been torture.
    Your husband is a keeper!

    My Little Drummer boys
    warm regards

  30. JuliaS Says:

    Here from NCLM.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have had seven of them and I know how devastating and frustrating each one can be. As for what to expect – seems like you have had much of it already, the bleeding and cramping. I am not sure how graphic a description you would like by way of explanation – feel free to email if you want to know more. I didn’t want to assume you wanted the full detail. You most likely won’t see much – nothing recognizable anyway. Mostly it will probably look like a heavier, clottier af.

    Wishing you better days ahead.

  31. topcat Says:

    Vamplita. Thank you so very much for your recent support … by GOD I have needed it. One thing that has stuck in my head, is the turn of phrase you used, to “circle the wagons.”

    It appears that recently you have also needed your family and friends to circle the wagons, for you. I am so sorry, I hope you are ok. Thinking of you.

    eden xoxo

  32. Portia P Says:

    Hi there

    I’m one of a long line of nacomleavmo-ers.

    I’m guessing by your post that things aren’t great for you. I hope you’re ok?

    Portia Px

  33. Samantha Says:

    From NCLM – what a horrible experience to have been through. I don’t know why you are absent, but I hope it can be time spent with family and friends giving you the support you need.

  34. margalit Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. How painful for you! I hope you can recover soon.

    Via NCLM.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s