I honestly don’t know what to say. F and I went to my RE appointment on April 23rd for another ultrasound. We were expecting to see a heartbeat and hear good news. We ended up being 1 for 2. According to Dr. S, the baby only measured at 6w0d, which as you may or may not know, is one week behind where (s)he ought to be at 7weeks, one day. She did see a faint heartbeat, which she showed us. But, the fact that the baby only did two days worth of development in eight days is most definitely not a Good Thing. In fact, it’s pretty effing bad.
She told us that, given the baby’s slow development, and my – wait for it – advanced maternal age, there was a good chance that I’d miscarry. I was scheduled to go back the next Wednesday, April 30th, to see what was happening, and, as Dr. S said, “we’d take it from there”. I was sincerely hoping our little one just wasn’t feeling particularly sociable, and (s)he was just at a weird angle, so the measurements were off. However, Dr. S couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat on doppler, either. Sigh.
Our first OB appointment was scheduled for May 2nd, today. Depending upon what happened at the next RE appointment, I’d either keep the appointment, or have to cancel it. I was really, really hoping we didn’t have to cancel.
I managed to not cry until Dr. S left us while I got dressed. F and I held each other, while he kept telling me not to give up yet. “Not yet, honey…there’s still a chance.”
Dr. S told us that there was a good chance that I would miscarry, and it appears that she was right. I had the followup appointment this past Wednesday, April 30th, and there wasn’t a heartbeat visible or audible this time. Our dreams of a December baby (or any baby) aren’t meant to be for this year.
I’ve decided to stop taking my vaginal inserts of progesterone, wait, and let nature take its course, as difficult as that will be. I don’t prefer it by any means…who could prefer any thing when miscarriage is the subject??? But, I know that would be better on my body than having a D&C. Still, I’ve also decided to set a time limit on this waiting period, because there comes a point when mental health is at-risk after a while, ya know?? One has to consider the trade-off involved of body health vs. going out of my rabbit-ass mind while waiting being on BloodWatch 2008. Two weeks sounded appro pos to me, considering how many two-week-waits I’ve had during this journey that is my life as an infertile woman.
I’ll stop now. I’m fricking bummed as it is.