Been in a rather dark place lately December 7, 2008

So y’all have probably surmised by now that I’m not pregnant, otherwise I would’ve been online before now, telling the world of our impending joy. As a matter of fact, my frickin’ period started the day before I was planning to POAS.  I guess my body decided there was no sense in delaying the inevitable.  Awfully kind of it, don’t you think??  Always looking out for me and my best interests…

F and I went to the RE as scheduled, to discuss “our situation”.  We had already missed the window of opportunity for taking fertility meds for that cycle…Dr. S was out of town, and I couldn’t get in to see anyone else. When we spoke to Dr. S, we asked what our options were.  We all decided that it would be best to wait until January until we started taking fertility meds again.  F was interested in seeing if I could try taking Clomid again, instead of jumping right back to the Gonal-F.  Dr. S said that was a possibility, but she wasn’t sure if it would be successful.  We all knew, however, that taking this huge amount of Gonal-F did jack…barely a blip on the follicle radar.  So…that’s when Dr. S said that, “your advanced maternal age is most likely what caused your body to respond so poorly to the fertility meds.  If you had been given those meds just ten years ago, your ovaries would probably have gone into OHSS.  Considering how poorly your ovaries respond to the meds now, you are not a candidate for IVF.  I’m afraid that your only chance of becoming pregnant if the fertility meds with IUIs don’t work within the next six months are to consider egg donation. ” 

And the hits just keep on comin’.

F and I had talked about this months before when we first started going to an RE, and had decided that if we ever needed donor eggs or sperm, we would just pack our things up and go home with our tails between our legs.  Okay, that’s not exactly how the conversation went.  He said something about considering adoption, and I said that we didn’t have the effing money for that, or for IVF, for that matter.   Plus we’re too old for the legitimate adoption agencies.

Suffice it to say:  Ladies and gentlemen, if the old fashioned method or the fertility meds and IUI route don’t get us a real, live, take-home baby, that’s all she wrote.  No kids for vamplita and her darling F.

Okay, I admit it.  I cried on the way home from that lovely appointment.  F, being his usual (useless in the presence of an upset wife) self, didn’t understand why I was so upset.  “We still have a chance, honey.  We can still have a baby.  It’s not over, babe.”  Silver lining boy.  Sheesh.

Meanwhile, I heard that I had probably missed the boat as far as pregnancy was concerned.  If I had only gone to an RE sooner… even a mere couple of years sooner may have been the difference between being a mother and being a… whatever the hell I am.  What a lovely thought process, huh?  Regrets cut you to the bone sometimes. 

When F and I got home, he said that I couldn’t expect to have a child if I kept thinking so negatively.  He said that I couldn’t keep feeling such bitterness when I heard about some cow who had never wanted kids being pregnant, or about some horrid, beastly female who had abused her children being pregnant once again.  I had to let it go. 

He’s probably right, damn his hide.     

I wallowed in self loathing, anger, and guilt for the rest of the night.  The next day, I told F that I would do my best to keep a good attitude for the rest of the time that we tried to have a child.  I would do my best to take care of myself, trying to keep a positive outlook, etc, etc.

See how well I’m doing??  /

Hell’s bells!  It’s hard, y’all.  It’s soooo hard to try to keep thinking happy, cheery thoughts when what should’ve been my due date is only two days away.  If things hadn’t gone so badly, I might even be taking care of a newborn right now.  We might be looking forward to our own child’s first Christmas.  If only…if only.   

I’m trying not to let my darker thoughts ruin my favorite time of year, Christmas.  I’m trying to keep plugging forward.  I’ve been checking to see if I’ve ovulated, and I have no idea.  I doubt that I have, which makes things even harder.  F had plans (took time off of work) for us to have sex when I was supposed to ovulate, and of course my stupid, advanced maternal age body didn’t cooperate.  He asks me why I didn’t ovulate, and as usual I have no good answer. 

My body has a will of its own, and apparently it doesn’t want to get pregnant this month.  Let’s hope it doesn’t have anything against having kids altogether, know what I mean??

~~~Change of Subject~~~

In case I don’t get back on anytime soon, I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday season, full of love, laughter, and Light.  This really is a great time to be with family and/or friends, and get back that loving feeling. 

Now, don’t worry…I’m not planning to be gone as long as I was this time.  I’ve just been very busy and rather apathetic.  School will be out in twelve days, and I’ll have a couple of weeks where I don’t need to worry about my master’s courses.  I plan to blog, eat, drink, sleep, play WoW, and use my iPod until my ears fall off!  Oh yeah, maybe I’ll have sex or something too.  It could happen. 

Be well, all!

6dpiui #3 November 5, 2008

So far, so good.  I’ve managed to stay (relatively) strong and not pee on anything.  In other words, I haven’t tested with an HPT…yet.  I plan to avoid POAS until at least Veterans Day, November 11th.  The first couple of days, I did feel a couple of pains, but I’m not really sure what that was.  It was wayyyyy too early for it to be any kind of symptom. 

I’ve had a couple of headaches since IUI #3, but that should probably be chalked up to my body jonesing for caffeine, truth be told.  My bodily functions have been a bit wonky, but again, that can be contributed to my hypothyroidism.  The slight nausea I’ve experienced once or twice since Sunday?  Not sure, but I will say that stress has most definitely been in abundance with my full-time job, having to take these courses for my principalship, and the pressure of trying to get 140 hours of internship under my belt before April 2009.  The gas I’ve been suffering from today?  Not sure… my crappy diet, probably.  I’ve had the sore breasts thingy going on for a couple of days, but that can be contributed to the Endometrin I’m shoving up my whosie-whatsit each night.  (Darn that progesterone and its false pregnancy symptoms!)

Until we know differently, I am still PUPO – pregnant until proven otherwise.

IUI #3 in mere hours October 29, 2008

I’ve been informed that IUI #3 is scheduled for tomorrow morning, at 10AM.  I have to say that I’m rather excited about this time around.  It’s almost the same way I felt when we did the first IUI.  I’m eager to get it done, partially because I am sick of injecting the oh-so-pricey Gonal-F.  I did my last injection of it last night for this cycle, thank the good Lord.  I’m also eager because I have a good feeling about this time around.  I’ve got a good feeling about this IUI, partly because I now know for a fact that I can get pregnant this way.  I know it works. 

I’m also nervous about the IUI because, once again, in spite of our best efforts, I’ve only managed to produce one follicle that looks to be a decent size.  The follie we’re placing this month’s hopes on was an acceptable 17mm in size on Monday’s scan.  I may as well have taken a smaller dose, since I got the same results on the smaller dose too.  Damnation.  Why, oh why, couldn’t I respond to fertility meds like normal ladies would??  Any other person who took that much of Gonal-F would have had enough viable follies to start her own football basketball team, for Pete’s sake.  Sigh.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful that I don’t have OHSS or anything of the sort.  But… why not more than one follicle?  Just once?  Still, I did get pregnant last time with just one follicle, didn’t I?  It could happen!      

Please, y’all keep your fingers crossed that this IUI works, and that we get a real, live, healthy take-home baby.  I know all the statistics.  I know they’re certainly not as in my favor as they would be if I were five (or ten years!) younger.  Still, we could be that couple who succeeds, right? 

I don’t even want to think about what we’d do (or not do) if this doesn’t work this time around.  I know it’s ridiculous not to think about it, but it’s not like I don’t know what could happen.  It’s not like I haven’t been there, done that.  La, la, la!  I’m not listening!

I was thinking about it, and if I do get pregnant this time around, the baby’s due date will be around August 1st.  Not exactly ideal, from a teaching perspective or a weather perspective, but don’t think I wouldn’t take it in a nanosecond!  I can handle a third trimester in the sweltering heat and humidity of July and August in Texas, ’cause I know what the (likely?) outcome would be.  Hell, if someone could guarantee that it would work, I’d do it standing on my frickin’ head, thankyouverymuch. 

Anyway… I worked at the Fall Festival here at our school last weekend, to earn some of those much-needed internship hours I require to satisfy the 140 hours required for my Masters degree in Educational Administration, and to qualify to take the test to become an administrator.  I do enjoy teaching, but I certainly don’t see myself in the classroom until can I retire in about 900 years.  I believe I will be a good admin, but that test we have to take to get the certification is nasty, y’all.  Ugg-gah-lee.  I generally don’t do much (read any) studying for a test like that, because there’s really no way to prepare.  However, this time, I at least need to see a practice test, to see what it’s going to be like.  There’s just. so. much. material.  It’s mindboggling how much crap they expect us to know and remember.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this certification exam has me concerned, even thought the test isn’t until next Spring or early Summer. 

What can I say?  I worry, therefore I am. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, please.  Ten years of trying is long enough.  Really and truly.     

XOXO

Baby one more time? October 26, 2008

If I keep having to go to my RE every other day, I may have to take up residence there. 

My period started on Oct. 15th, a Wednesday.  My RE wanted me to come in for a baseline scan on Friday, Oct. 17th, and to start my Gonal-F injections again at 300iu.  I started the meds, and was told to make appointments for the following Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Lovely.  On Monday’s appointment, they did the u/s scan, didn’t see much happening in la ovaries, so I was sent for a blood draw to get my estrogen levels checked, and to expect a call that afternoon, letting me know if/how I should adjust my dosage.  Monday afternoon, I was told to up my dose to 375iu, and to keep taking it that way until my next appointment, Wednesday.  At Wednesday’s scan, again not much going on in the ovary pics.  So…another trip downstairs to the lab to get my estrogen levels checked.  That afternoon, I was given the news that yes, there was a slight increase, but not really enough of one to write home about.  Therefore, my RE wanted me to up my dose yet again, to 450iu.  Please don’t forget – this shit’s beyond expensive.  I’m now injecting nearly $360.00 into myself each night.  For those of you unaware of a teacher’s salary, that’s right at 10% of my monthly salary.  Each. night.  

I went to the RE again today, for a repeat performance of the scan.  At least this time, my nurse saw a follicle, fer cripes’ sake.  It was only 13mm, so we’re hoping like hell that some other follicles will catch up before we (who am I kidding??) I inject the trigger shot of Ovidrel.  After one more trip to the lab for an estrogen level, my level is rising as a decent amount (~129, I think she said), so (thankfully) I get to stay on the 450 iu, and not increase it at this time.  I’m to go back to get another u/s on Monday, and my nurse believes that we’ll do the IUI on Wednesday, October 29th.

National Infertility Awareness Week October 19, 2008

October 19-25 is National Infertility Awareness Week in the US.  I want to take this opportunity to thank any- and everyone who has read this blog and given a second thought about the condition that is infertility.  It helps to know that we’re not alone.  It helps to know that others give a damn.  

Take some time this week to thank those who have been supportive of you and your journey through infertility.  Let them know how much their support, prayers, and positive words mean to you.  As we all know, infertility is a condition that is often not spoken about, so the more people we can get talking about it, the better the chance of infertiles getting the help, information, and support they need and so richly deserve.  

For those who are looking for information about infertility, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is a good place to start.  The March of Dimes is another useful site for answers to questions before, during, and after pregnancy.  They are the leading organization trying to ensure that every baby gets its nine months, and working to prevent premature births.

Good News/Bad News October 8, 2008

The Evacuation

• Good news:  we evacuated from Ike without any issues or Rita-like traffic jams.  More importantly, we managed to leave before I murdered my husband in a fit of anxiety/panic/frustration.
• Not-so-good news:  Hurricane Ike’s path included the part of Texas to which we evacuated.  His winds caused a substantial amount of destruction throughout the storm’s path.

Infertility Medicine Status:

• Bad news:  I had to discontinue taking the Gonal-F for this cycle, because I couldn’t get in to have my blood levels and scans done.  It was necessary so that I could avoid such lovely things as OHSS and/or the off-chance of becoming pregnant with my very own basketball team.
• Further bad news:  That means that any of the Gonal-F I’d already taken for this cycle was completely and totally wasted, and that stuff’s expensive as hell.  F and I are out several hundred dollars because the medicine is so costly.
• Good news:  I had the presence of mind to take the Gonal-F with me when we evacuated because I knew that it would probably ruin in our refrigerator, since we were almost guaranteed to have our power knocked out.  We took it with us to my parents’ house in Lufkin, in an ice chest.
• Shitty news:  Lufkin’s power was knocked out too. 
• Even shittier news:  In addition to Lufkin’s electricity being out, there was no ice to be had for several days, so the medicine was not refrigerated as it needed to be… I’m sure as hell not going to inject that stuff into my body, after it being at temps as high as 87° F for more than 24 hours. 
• Possibly redeeming news?:  We’re going to claim the meds that were lost in the hurricane on our insurance, and hope to hell they won’t refuse to pay for it.

Hurricane Aftermath:

• Great news:  Our house escaped damage, for the most part. The outside had a couple of cosmetic things messed up, but it is, as Austin Powers puts it, “sound as a pound, luv”.
• Disappointing news:  There was a small hole created in our ceiling next to the fireplace, where leaks shouldn’t exist because we had the damned roof replaced, and that was supposed to fix it, but it didn’t.
• Annoying-but-okay news:  The outside chimney cap was blown off of our house, and it landed in our back yard.  It’ll cost about $350 to get that fixed, and that will be covered by our insurance.
• Seriously annoying news:  The fireplace/chimney specialist who came to inspect the fireplace to see if the damned leak was due to the roof or the chimney and give us an estimate for the chimney repairs necessary after the storm said that the inside of the fireplace, however, is basically crumbling and is not considered safe for fires in its current condition.  The cost to fix it?  About $1000, which will not be covered by our insurance, since this wasn’t a result of Ike.  Naturally. 

Electricity status:

• I-told-you-so news:  Yes, I was right – Hurricane Ike did knock out the power here in our neighborhood. 
• Frickin’ bothersome news:  The power wasn’t restored at our block until September 27th, fifteen days following Ike’s visit to our neighborhood.  That’s right; fifteen days without hot water… without internet(!) …and oh yeah – without air conditioning during 90-degree plus days.  Fifteen days cooking on our propane grill outside while fighting overzealous mosquitoes.  
• Life-saving news:  While in Lufkin, F and I managed to stand in an outdoor hurricane relief line for about three hours and purchase a refurbished generator, so that we could return home and begin repairs and/or restoration of our home.  This was a week after no power, and no ice in Lufkin, thankyouverymuch.
• Effing frustrating news:  F and I brought the generator back home, and tried to fire it up.  That’s right, you guessed it – the sonofabitch wouldn’t turn over.  F and I loaded the damned thing back up into the car, and drove back to Lufkin (where my parents now had a generator too) with our tail between our legs, hoping to get it repaired in Lufkin, where 25% of the town had electricity by then.  No way could we have stood the heat here in our home without fans at least, and there’s no way in hell I could’ve slept here with the windows open.  I would’ve been too afraid that someone would come in and knock F and I in the head.  As we were loading that generator into our car, I hadn’t seen F that disheartened in a very long time. 
• Thank-God-it-wasn’t-too-terrible news:  We took the generator to a repair shop that evening, and picked it up the next day for a repair cost of only $40.  That gave us the ability to come back to our home again, and start trying to clean up around the house.
• News for which I was thankful:  The school where I work was closed until Wednesday, September 24th, when faculty and staff had to return to get things ready for our students who returned the following day. 
• It figures news:  Didja notice that school started three days before I got power restored to my house?  Yup – it’s great fun, having to dress and put your makeup on by flashlight, lemme tell ya.   

All in all though – F and I came out of this relatively sane, still on speaking terms, and mostly intact.  He marveled that he’d managed to gain weight during our power outage.  It didn’t surprise me though, because all we could do was eat and play Spore on my laptop.  (Frickin’ love that game, by the way.)  It was too hot in the house to do anything else. 

Our internet service was restored, and we were back on the grid the Monday after the power was back on at our house.  The university where I am getting my Master’s Degree in Educational Administration was very considerate of its students, and allowed us to still participate in the current course.  They extended the deadlines for all of our assignments, for which I am eternally grateful.

My heart definitely goes out to those whose homes and lives have been destroyed by Hurricane Ike.  I attended Texas A&M University at Galveston, and enjoyed living in Galveston for several years after I graduated.  It breaks my heart to see all of the damage that has been wrought upon my old stomping grounds, and to the folks who live there.  There is simply so much destruction.  It’s hard to wrap your mind around the devastation.

Take a hike, Ike! September 11, 2008

Wouldn’t you just know it??  Hurricane Ike is now heading right toward us, and as we’ve feared (but expected would happen sooner or later), Houston is expected to be on the dirty side of the storm.  Where F and I live, we live in Evacuation Zone C, so we’re supposed to be the last group of Houstonians to undergo mandatory evacuations.  However, this sucker scares the fire out of me.  The sustained winds are supposed to be over 100 mph here if Ike hits where they are predicting it to go.  These sustained winds will last for around 12 hours, and that’s not counting the winds that will be in the area starting tomorrow around noon, and all the way through Saturday.

So, F and I want to get the hell outta Dodge as quickly as possible.  There’s a snag, though.  I’m supposed to have an appointment tomorrow, to get bloodwork done and have another ultrasound scan, to make sure I’m not sending my ovaries into a tailspin with all the Gonal-F I’ve been shoving into my body since Monday night. 

I started my period again on Saturday, so I called in on Monday, like a good patient is supposed to, and had to go in that afternoon to get my baseline scan done, and make sure everything was as it should be before delving into another round of infertility meds.  Since I checked out clean as a whistle, I started Gonal-F injections that night, 300iu this time instead of the 187iu I did the last time. 

That’s all well and good, but now I’m concerned that I won’t be able to continue this freakin’ cycle, if I can’t get this bloody u/s scan and bloodwork thingy completed.  If that happens, I’m screwed, ’cause I’ve already injected several hundred dollars worth of this stuff into me, and it would suck beyond sucking to have to start all over again a month from now, without completing this round.  We’ve already established that F and I aren’t exactly rolling in dough, so this could be a rather large potential setback.  Another thing I’m worried about is the fact that I have enough Gonal-F left for about four days’ worth of shots.  If we are relocated because of this damnable hurricane, will it screw up the delivery of my meds??  Ugh.

Well… that issue’s been resolved for me.  Crap.  I can’t get into the doctor’s clinic soon enough today to get the test results back today, so I have to wait until next period.  I’m stuck up here at work until at least 2:30, and the clinic won’t be able to have my estrogen levels back before Dr. S heads home.  Thanks a lot, Ike.  You just cost me at least $500 that we don’t have, you bastard. 

I sometimes hate my damnable luck.  Honestly, I do.

Apologies and Ramblings July 8, 2008

Geez, I’m sorry I’m not an everyday blogger.  Matter of fact, I haven’t even been a weekly one, or even biweekly.  My apologies, folks.  I’ll try to do better, ‘k?  I really will try.

The good news is that I finally had my period again after my miscarriage.  Yay.  It wasn’t as bad as I imagined it would be, which makes me happy. 

F and I are both eager to get back on the ol’ baby-making horse, but are going to wait to use medical intervention until my next period…dammit.  Two Three reasons, actually, but they’re definitely related.  The first reason:  money.  Yes, I know, we still have some of the meds from before I got pregnant, and that’s beyond wonderful, trust me.  However, Dr. S and I decided that my ovaries could stand some more stimulation, in the form of a larger dose of said meds.  Good news?  I have most of the meds already.  Bad news?   I don’t have the remainder of the Gonal-F I’d need to have on hand to complete the med cycle, nor do we have the available fundage for said injectible platinum.  (Okay, it’s not really platinum, but you get the gist.) 

Second reason, and the main cause of Reason #1?  F was sick, and didn’t get to work for 2+ weeks.  It’s getting to be like our frickin’ summer thing…I get out of school, start making plans to go places, do things, and then F gets sick for at least two weeks, and All Things come to a halt.  Y’see, F drives a truck for a living these days, and when F doesn’t drive, he doesn’t get paid.  Now, he and I aren’t the best at saving money, by a long shot.  I’d much rather have someone else cook than for me to do it, hands down.  That’s (sadly) our main source of wasted money, to my way of thinking – eating out / take out.  But, we have wayyyyy too much debt, and buggered credit, to say the least.  During those weeks when F doesn’t work, the bills still seem to keep coming, damn them. 

We try to survive on just my meager teacher paycheck.  That in itself is trying, but add in several visits to doctors, several trips to the pharmacy to get meds, and the usual grocery extravaganzas, and you can practically hear the sucking sound as the money leaves our puny checking account.  Now, of course – when we’re broker than broke – would be when I start my period, and when I’d need to go and purchase about $500 worth of Gonal-F, if F and I were going to try to Create a Life Through Modern Chemistry.  Ummm, not going to happen this month.  It simply can’t.  Dammit. 

Reason #3, you may be asking?  Well, F had a weird spot showing up in his chest xray, and after an inconclusive MRI, and had to take some radioactive sugar to try to see what was going on in his body.  He was supposed to get a PET scan, and the contrast stuff contained radioactive sugar (iodine, I think).  Pity he was too claustrophobic to go through with it, poor thing.  Exposure to radioactive stuff, all for naught.  He had to go get a broncioscopy procedure instead. 

I thank God that the doc didn’t see anything out of the ordinary during the bronchioscopy, but there is still something weird that shows up on his chest xray.  I don’t know, and neither do the docs, but they say it is NOT cancer.  At least this has (hopefully) convinced F that he needsneedsneeds to STOP SMOKING!!!  The doctor told him that there’s no permanent damage in his lungs right now, and that if he quits, they will stay healthy.  F says he’s cutting down, but I can’t tell that he has.  I just continue to hope and pray he quits.  God Almighty, I’m sick of everything we own reeking of it, plus all of the money that literally goes up in ashes.  When I think if it, it makes me ill.  I know, make everything be about myself.  I am truly a drama queen.  Sheesh. 

Still, I wonder sorts of effects the radioactive solution he drank had on his swimmers.  I need to ask about that when he goes to the doc this Wednesday.  I don’t want us to be trying the old fashioned way if there’s any danger that his guys could have been affected by the radiation, ya know?  I know that the doc said that the radioactivity only lasted about 24 hours tops, but still.  It’s not like it only stayed in his chest area, if you know what I mean.  We don’t need the added stress of worrying whether or not this batch of swimmers glow in the dark.  Suffice it to say that I’ll feel much better about trying naturally if there’s a reduced chance of mutation as a result of radiation.   

The doctor did say that F suffers from a severe B12 deficiency.  He’s now going in weekly for a B12 injection, but after this Wednesday, I’ll be giving the shots to him.  That ought to help save us a bit of cash – I hope. 

I often think about my former pregnancy, and in which week or month I’d be if I still were expecting.  Still, when F and I had this scare, it made me think that things do happen for a reason, even if we don’t see the reasoning at the time.  I can’t imagine how we would’ve handled this financially if I’d been pregnant too.  Am I a monster for thinking this way??  God knows, I would love to still be pregnant!  Could I have handled the stress without inflicting damage upon those I love??  Without that Xanax I took that Friday night to help me sleep during the weekend four or five days before he had his PET scan scheduled? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m made of pretty strong stock.  I can usually handle almost anything.  Usually.  But, when it comes to my family, I worry myself into a non-sleeping tizzy, to say the least.  I would lie in bed, cry to myself, and worry.  No fun at all, kids.  I sincerely don’t recommend this.  I mentioned to my mom that I hadn’t slept, and she gave me a couple of her Xanax “to help me get some sleep”.  I’m not the kind of person that usually pops pills to turn my brain off, but in this case, when it was staying on a spin cycle of nasty, ugly thoughts every night when I was supposed to be sleeping??  Hell yeah, I’ll take something.  If that makes me a wimp, so be it… but it did help, if only for that night.

That’s right – I’m a slacker June 19, 2008

Hey all,

Thanks very much for all of you who have wandered onto this blog courtesy of NCLM.  I honestly had the best of intentions when I signed onto that challenge, and promptly buggered it all to hell and gone.  It’s not like I intended to be a person who purposely broke her pledge to visit lots and lots of sites, and comment on every one of them.  Honest, that wasn’t my intention. 

Like a goober, I foolishly thought that I’d manage to bounce back and be my usual pithy self while NCLM was clicking along.  Somehow, that really didn’t happen.  In a way, I’m kind of glad I didn’t jump right back into doing all of the things I’d normally do, because it shows me that I am human after all.  Who knew?

Physically, I seem to be just as healthy as I was before the miscarriage, albeit heavier, what with massive quantities of comfort food and all.  Mentally, I’m less stressed, now that summer break is here where I teach.  Emotionally…I give myself a B-. 

I do fine, as long as I don’t hear an infant crying…or don’t see an infant crying…or don’t see a little one doing something cute or adorable.  Occasionally, my heart breaks all over again when I see something or hear something, or think of something that reminds me that I ought to be in my second trimester now, with a child due in December.  Once in a while, something will trigger a response in me where I again realize that The Baby That Was will never experience certain things that I so wanted him or her to experience, or, that I will never get to witness him/her experiencing said certain things. 

The fantastic mail I keep getting, with the lovely ads and cutesy baby mags are a not-so-pleasant experience, but I now take it in stride.  I have a cabinet where I keep these things, just in case I ever do have a real, live, take-home baby.  After all, lots of supposed experts about my frickin’ life, ignorant assholes people have told me that it could still happen, especially since I did manage to get pregnant this last time.  I could “just get pregnant again”.  Easy peasy, doncha know. 

Oh yeah.  I’m waiting again.  This time, I’m waiting for my body to figure out that it’s okay to reboot and start my periods over again.  The miscarriage happened the week following Mother’s Day, back in May.  Still no sign of Our Least Favorite Aunt.  Actually though, I wish she’d bloody well (pardon the pun) show, already, so that we can get things back on track. 

F and I do want to try again, and as we all know…this ol’ gal ain’t gettin’ any younger.  So while we’re waiting for my body to catch its snap, I wait.  I plan to call my RE’s office tomorrow, to find out what my beta level was when I had it drawn back on June 9th.  Maybe that will help jog my ute’s memory…

“Oh yeah…vamplita needs me to start bleeding again…perhaps it’s time, before her last eggs wither away to nothing…” 

I hope this post leaves y’all with a sense that I’m on the mend, ’cause I am.  I do feel okay, and I know that it really, honestly could happen again.  I really could get pregnant again.  It doesn’t necessarily have to take another eight years. 

Right??

A Better Mother May 12, 2008

 

     There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss
     and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded.I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
                                                                ~Unknown

This poem kind of conveys how I currently feel. 

Please understand that I’m not knocking those of you fortunate to have given birth without any hint of infertility.  In fact, any infertile who says that she wouldn’t happily shave her head to not be infertile is lying her ass off.  However, in the efforts of finding that ever-elusive silver lining, I’m of the mind that infertility will make me a much better and appreciative mother than I would have been if this hadn’t happened to me.