Infertility Bites

Infertile, Trying to Conceive, and Forty-One Years Old – Ain't THAT a Bummer!?!

Happy 2009! Mindless entertainment for you January 5, 2009

Filed under: Random chunks of thought — vamplita @ 2:01 pm
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Yes, I’m alive.  Lazy as hell, but alive. 

Here’s something fun to do that I stole creatively acquired from Kimbosue’s blog, and thought it’d be a hoot. 

Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/Disneyworld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo – in band, on tenor saxophone
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris  (airport only though)  :o/
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Is needlework an art?)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty -no, but I did walk down from the top of the Empire State Building
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (daytime and nighttime – ha!)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise – It was actually a three-hour tour… no, really.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language –  Does Pig Latin count??  :oÞ
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa (again, airport only – sigh)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale-watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma
65. Gone skydiving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox – twice!!
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Does Jackie Mason count?  Do college football coaches count? 
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby – Lollipop counts, dammit!
95. Seen the Alamo in person – I am a Texan, after all. 
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake – no, but I have been swimming in the Arctic Ocean…I’m a Polar Bear Club member, heh.
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

 

Been in a rather dark place lately December 7, 2008

So y’all have probably surmised by now that I’m not pregnant, otherwise I would’ve been online before now, telling the world of our impending joy. As a matter of fact, my frickin’ period started the day before I was planning to POAS.  I guess my body decided there was no sense in delaying the inevitable.  Awfully kind of it, don’t you think??  Always looking out for me and my best interests…

F and I went to the RE as scheduled, to discuss “our situation”.  We had already missed the window of opportunity for taking fertility meds for that cycle…Dr. S was out of town, and I couldn’t get in to see anyone else. When we spoke to Dr. S, we asked what our options were.  We all decided that it would be best to wait until January until we started taking fertility meds again.  F was interested in seeing if I could try taking Clomid again, instead of jumping right back to the Gonal-F.  Dr. S said that was a possibility, but she wasn’t sure if it would be successful.  We all knew, however, that taking this huge amount of Gonal-F did jack…barely a blip on the follicle radar.  So…that’s when Dr. S said that, “your advanced maternal age is most likely what caused your body to respond so poorly to the fertility meds.  If you had been given those meds just ten years ago, your ovaries would probably have gone into OHSS.  Considering how poorly your ovaries respond to the meds now, you are not a candidate for IVF.  I’m afraid that your only chance of becoming pregnant if the fertility meds with IUIs don’t work within the next six months are to consider egg donation. ” 

And the hits just keep on comin’.

F and I had talked about this months before when we first started going to an RE, and had decided that if we ever needed donor eggs or sperm, we would just pack our things up and go home with our tails between our legs.  Okay, that’s not exactly how the conversation went.  He said something about considering adoption, and I said that we didn’t have the effing money for that, or for IVF, for that matter.   Plus we’re too old for the legitimate adoption agencies.

Suffice it to say:  Ladies and gentlemen, if the old fashioned method or the fertility meds and IUI route don’t get us a real, live, take-home baby, that’s all she wrote.  No kids for vamplita and her darling F.

Okay, I admit it.  I cried on the way home from that lovely appointment.  F, being his usual (useless in the presence of an upset wife) self, didn’t understand why I was so upset.  “We still have a chance, honey.  We can still have a baby.  It’s not over, babe.”  Silver lining boy.  Sheesh.

Meanwhile, I heard that I had probably missed the boat as far as pregnancy was concerned.  If I had only gone to an RE sooner… even a mere couple of years sooner may have been the difference between being a mother and being a… whatever the hell I am.  What a lovely thought process, huh?  Regrets cut you to the bone sometimes. 

When F and I got home, he said that I couldn’t expect to have a child if I kept thinking so negatively.  He said that I couldn’t keep feeling such bitterness when I heard about some cow who had never wanted kids being pregnant, or about some horrid, beastly female who had abused her children being pregnant once again.  I had to let it go. 

He’s probably right, damn his hide.     

I wallowed in self loathing, anger, and guilt for the rest of the night.  The next day, I told F that I would do my best to keep a good attitude for the rest of the time that we tried to have a child.  I would do my best to take care of myself, trying to keep a positive outlook, etc, etc.

See how well I’m doing??  :o/

Hell’s bells!  It’s hard, y’all.  It’s soooo hard to try to keep thinking happy, cheery thoughts when what should’ve been my due date is only two days away.  If things hadn’t gone so badly, I might even be taking care of a newborn right now.  We might be looking forward to our own child’s first Christmas.  If only…if only.   

I’m trying not to let my darker thoughts ruin my favorite time of year, Christmas.  I’m trying to keep plugging forward.  I’ve been checking to see if I’ve ovulated, and I have no idea.  I doubt that I have, which makes things even harder.  F had plans (took time off of work) for us to have sex when I was supposed to ovulate, and of course my stupid, advanced maternal age body didn’t cooperate.  He asks me why I didn’t ovulate, and as usual I have no good answer. 

My body has a will of its own, and apparently it doesn’t want to get pregnant this month.  Let’s hope it doesn’t have anything against having kids altogether, know what I mean??

~~~Change of Subject~~~

In case I don’t get back on anytime soon, I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday season, full of love, laughter, and Light.  This really is a great time to be with family and/or friends, and get back that loving feeling. 

Now, don’t worry…I’m not planning to be gone as long as I was this time.  I’ve just been very busy and rather apathetic.  School will be out in twelve days, and I’ll have a couple of weeks where I don’t need to worry about my master’s courses.  I plan to blog, eat, drink, sleep, play WoW, and use my iPod until my ears fall off!  Oh yeah, maybe I’ll have sex or something too.  It could happen. 

Be well, all!

 

6dpiui #3 November 5, 2008

Filed under: infertility bites — vamplita @ 7:09 pm
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So far, so good.  I’ve managed to stay (relatively) strong and not pee on anything.  In other words, I haven’t tested with an HPT…yet.  I plan to avoid POAS until at least Veterans Day, November 11th.  The first couple of days, I did feel a couple of pains, but I’m not really sure what that was.  It was wayyyyy too early for it to be any kind of symptom. 

I’ve had a couple of headaches since IUI #3, but that should probably be chalked up to my body jonesing for caffeine, truth be told.  My bodily functions have been a bit wonky, but again, that can be contributed to my hypothyroidism.  The slight nausea I’ve experienced once or twice since Sunday?  Not sure, but I will say that stress has most definitely been in abundance with my full-time job, having to take these courses for my principalship, and the pressure of trying to get 140 hours of internship under my belt before April 2009.  The gas I’ve been suffering from today?  Not sure… my crappy diet, probably.  I’ve had the sore breasts thingy going on for a couple of days, but that can be contributed to the Endometrin I’m shoving up my whosie-whatsit each night.  (Darn that progesterone and its false pregnancy symptoms!)

Until we know differently, I am still PUPO – pregnant until proven otherwise.

 

IUI #3 in mere hours October 29, 2008

I’ve been informed that IUI #3 is scheduled for tomorrow morning, at 10AM.  I have to say that I’m rather excited about this time around.  It’s almost the same way I felt when we did the first IUI.  I’m eager to get it done, partially because I am sick of injecting the oh-so-pricey Gonal-F.  I did my last injection of it last night for this cycle, thank the good Lord.  I’m also eager because I have a good feeling about this time around.  I’ve got a good feeling about this IUI, partly because I now know for a fact that I can get pregnant this way.  I know it works. 

I’m also nervous about the IUI because, once again, in spite of our best efforts, I’ve only managed to produce one follicle that looks to be a decent size.  The follie we’re placing this month’s hopes on was an acceptable 17mm in size on Monday’s scan.  I may as well have taken a smaller dose, since I got the same results on the smaller dose too.  Damnation.  Why, oh why, couldn’t I respond to fertility meds like normal ladies would??  Any other person who took that much of Gonal-F would have had enough viable follies to start her own football basketball team, for Pete’s sake.  Sigh.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful that I don’t have OHSS or anything of the sort.  But… why not more than one follicle?  Just once?  Still, I did get pregnant last time with just one follicle, didn’t I?  It could happen!      

Please, y’all keep your fingers crossed that this IUI works, and that we get a real, live, healthy take-home baby.  I know all the statistics.  I know they’re certainly not as in my favor as they would be if I were five (or ten years!) younger.  Still, we could be that couple who succeeds, right? 

I don’t even want to think about what we’d do (or not do) if this doesn’t work this time around.  I know it’s ridiculous not to think about it, but it’s not like I don’t know what could happen.  It’s not like I haven’t been there, done that.  La, la, la!  I’m not listening!

I was thinking about it, and if I do get pregnant this time around, the baby’s due date will be around August 1st.  Not exactly ideal, from a teaching perspective or a weather perspective, but don’t think I wouldn’t take it in a nanosecond!  I can handle a third trimester in the sweltering heat and humidity of July and August in Texas, ’cause I know what the (likely?) outcome would be.  Hell, if someone could guarantee that it would work, I’d do it standing on my frickin’ head, thankyouverymuch. 

Anyway… I worked at the Fall Festival here at our school last weekend, to earn some of those much-needed internship hours I require to satisfy the 140 hours required for my Masters degree in Educational Administration, and to qualify to take the test to become an administrator.  I do enjoy teaching, but I certainly don’t see myself in the classroom until can I retire in about 900 years.  I believe I will be a good admin, but that test we have to take to get the certification is nasty, y’all.  Ugg-gah-lee.  I generally don’t do much (read any) studying for a test like that, because there’s really no way to prepare.  However, this time, I at least need to see a practice test, to see what it’s going to be like.  There’s just. so. much. material.  It’s mindboggling how much crap they expect us to know and remember.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this certification exam has me concerned, even thought the test isn’t until next Spring or early Summer. 

What can I say?  I worry, therefore I am. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, please.  Ten years of trying is long enough.  Really and truly.     

XOXO

 

Baby one more time? October 26, 2008

If I keep having to go to my RE every other day, I may have to take up residence there. 

My period started on Oct. 15th, a Wednesday.  My RE wanted me to come in for a baseline scan on Friday, Oct. 17th, and to start my Gonal-F injections again at 300iu.  I started the meds, and was told to make appointments for the following Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Lovely.  On Monday’s appointment, they did the u/s scan, didn’t see much happening in la ovaries, so I was sent for a blood draw to get my estrogen levels checked, and to expect a call that afternoon, letting me know if/how I should adjust my dosage.  Monday afternoon, I was told to up my dose to 375iu, and to keep taking it that way until my next appointment, Wednesday.  At Wednesday’s scan, again not much going on in the ovary pics.  So…another trip downstairs to the lab to get my estrogen levels checked.  That afternoon, I was given the news that yes, there was a slight increase, but not really enough of one to write home about.  Therefore, my RE wanted me to up my dose yet again, to 450iu.  Please don’t forget – this shit’s beyond expensive.  I’m now injecting nearly $360.00 into myself each night.  For those of you unaware of a teacher’s salary, that’s right at 10% of my monthly salary.  Each. night.  

I went to the RE again today, for a repeat performance of the scan.  At least this time, my nurse saw a follicle, fer cripes’ sake.  It was only 13mm, so we’re hoping like hell that some other follicles will catch up before we (who am I kidding??) I inject the trigger shot of Ovidrel.  After one more trip to the lab for an estrogen level, my level is rising as a decent amount (~129, I think she said), so (thankfully) I get to stay on the 450 iu, and not increase it at this time.  I’m to go back to get another u/s on Monday, and my nurse believes that we’ll do the IUI on Wednesday, October 29th.

 

National Infertility Awareness Week October 19, 2008

October 19-25 is National Infertility Awareness Week in the US.  I want to take this opportunity to thank any- and everyone who has read this blog and given a second thought about the condition that is infertility.  It helps to know that we’re not alone.  It helps to know that others give a damn.  

Take some time this week to thank those who have been supportive of you and your journey through infertility.  Let them know how much their support, prayers, and positive words mean to you.  As we all know, infertility is a condition that is often not spoken about, so the more people we can get talking about it, the better the chance of infertiles getting the help, information, and support they need and so richly deserve.  

For those who are looking for information about infertility, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is a good place to start.  The March of Dimes is another useful site for answers to questions before, during, and after pregnancy.  They are the leading organization trying to ensure that every baby gets its nine months, and working to prevent premature births.

 

My version of Show and Tell October 12, 2008

For those who may or may not know, Hurricane Ike left a massive amount of destruction in its wake.  My cousin sent this PowerPoint to me, and I hope I can get it to work for you.  Just to cover my butt, I have no idea who put this together, but I’m sure several (if not all) of the pictures are the copyrighted property of someone.  Since I don’t know who all of you photographers are, I wanted to say that I am only posting this in the interest of public information.  I don’t make a dime on this, trust me.  If any of you know who the owners of these photos are, send me the info, and I’ll happily edit this entry and add their names with my hearty thanks.  Lastly, if I’ve used your photo and you don’t want me to include it in this PowerPoint, please inform me, and I will gladly remove it with my apologies.

hurricane-ike-pics1

 

 
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